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He said it was the code number for his room. He wanted me to have it and that anytime I wanted to fuck, he would be available. My body actually shivered involuntarily at his invitation. I thanked him and gave him a deep kiss and told him I would be in touch.As I left the hotel, my mind was spinning. What an amazing night. What an amazing lover. Why couldn't I have met him before I met my husband. Shit, I thought, my husband. I turned my phone on to find that he had been blowing it up for hours, wondering where I was. My heart stopped then began to beat out of my chest. I stared down at the phone wondering if I should call him or text him. My fingers began to move across the screen, my body was telling me to text. I texted "hey baby, work went really late and I am on my way home now, don't wait up, I really tired." I hit send. Seconds later he responded with "ok". His response pissed me off. After all that worry his response was "ok". Fuck him, I thought, then I laughed out loud and. I don’t know why my head chooses to vex me with vile images of their bodies entangled in sheets. But it does. Probably, a way of telling me of why I should let my love go. Nothing inherently new. My stubborn thinker refuses to allow me peace of mind while my heart feels as it does, and it seems hell bent on making me sick to my stomach with imaginations of moans of pleasure and roaming hands. As much as I try to block these images from my mind, I always find my way back to hating this woman for even existing at all. I know full well that it’s wrong to think such things but I can't help feeling that way. In truth, I hate myself for it. We have agreed to be friends and I am trying my hardest not to break this verbal agreement but I cannot help wanting to push the boundaries either. For my own sick, self-satisfaction, I want to tell him how I still feel and to hear him say that he still loves me, too. Yet another selfish thing that shows how horrible I can actually be. But, Dear Diary,.
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